Not Going All In


I have recently realized that I have made a pattern of not “going all in” regarding several areas of my life (career, marriage, friendships, etc.) except parenting. I am good enough in these areas, but never great and I know that I am doing it on purpose. Since childhood, I have seen so many examples of other people I love going all in to end up with terrible outcomes (dad having heart attack & death because of stress at work, devoted mom finding out that husband has fathered a child with another woman, mom dedicating life to career with no interests/social activities only to retire and be diagnosed with dementia 1 year later).

UM

C- work, marriage, friendships.
T- I do not want to “go all in” because I want to be certain that I can leave if I need to or survive traumatic experience.
F- cautious
A- Perform work that is below my performance level, be loving enough to husband while still maintaining a distance emotionally “just in case”, have guarded friendships
R- Maintain a life that keeps everyone and everything at a distance

IM.

C- same
T- I can choose to “go all in” knowing that I can survive if something terrible happens
F- Hopeful
A- consider my fears and the emotions that I would feel
R- Fully experience life

I am having trouble with the A line and the T line does not feel so believable. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!