I am going through a divorce. My husband admitted to having an affair, we have requested phone/text records, which since my husband had his phone line with his mom. Today I got a letter responding to the request saying that they (his mom and dad) will not be responding to the request with a number of reasons… they are not a party to the case, the records should not be released as they contain confidential information on there since he called his patients from the phone (he is a MD), the records will not yield any information in the case, etc. The most bothersome part to me is that it said that I was attempting to harass “a disabled elderly” woman = his mom = a millionaire who is legally blind, but can see (does not use a cane or any assistive devices), is same age as my mom, still very gainfully employed as a real estate agent.
Anyway, it bothers me that they think or state that I am trying to harass them. I feel hurt, angry, lonely, misjudged, and misinterpreted. I worry about the long term consequences and short term. I have urges to both reach out warmly and hostilely – sharing that I had no intention to harass them primarily, but also feeling urges to give them some sort of tongue lashing about a number of negative things about them that my husband shared over the course of the last decade. I also think about the blessing of not having to have any more contact with them, but also feel very sad to have this in my life. We have two young children.
Other factors contribute to making me feel off balance, but I am trying to stick with my learning here and elsewhere about this just being a C.
I think the only way to do this is to think of the R I want and then work backwards to inform myself what I should tell myself now.
Right now an example model is:
C: in-laws write the reason for requesting records is to harass her/them
T: I am not trying to harass them. (this is my first thought, but I don’t think the one that is making me upset… maybe something like: They don’t like me. They are telling lies about me (my husband did that). They think I am trying to harass them. They know I would never try to harass them and they are saying I did to make me feel bad or hurt me.) I’m still not certain I got the exact thought.
A: Think about how overwhelming it is to get divorced from this man. Think about how I should have known when he spent so much time complaining about how awful his parents were that either he was or they were, or both. Think about how I should warn others of this – wishing someone warned me. Think about writing them a letter, do not write letter – so far. Think about calling them – do not call – so far. Think about exposing information about them or my husband as leverage to get them/him to stop harassing me (which I feel my husband is doing, not them at the moment). Brain tries to think of how to get out of this situation I am in that I don’t want to be in. Brain complains about situation – numerous factors. Think it would be better to focus on something else and ignore all of this negativity, hostility, meanness.
R: I have confusion. I am harassing myself? I’m not being my best self? (not sure what that would look like). I’m allowing myself to be bothered by my own mind??? I am not creating a positive connection with them?
T: It’s too late. I should have written to them, connected with them sooner. Now it’s too late.
A: think about the letters I have written them and not sent, the missed connections, the errors that I’ve made in our relationship. I think about re-drafting a letter to them and get overwhelmed thinking about how it wouldn’t be perfect, it would be brought to court as some evidence against me, it would be misinterpreted or taken negatively. I would have no hope of having a relationship with these people anyway.
R: I continue to wait on reaching out to them and reconnecting – I make it later and later making it more likely to be too late???
PS – I sometimes think I do not want to spend much time with them anyway, however since we have young children, I think a positive superficial relationship is better than an adversarial relationship.