Not knowing how to stand up for myself.

I have had tension (or whatever it is called that day) with most of my bosses, so the following model is on a recent incident because this is definitely an area that I am stuck in and haven’t yet been able to navigate or get to the root in the last two years of modeling about this relationship.

C:  slack chat with my boss Julie  (Chat below)
Julie 10:20 AM
Good Morning.  How are you feeling today? Wanted to confirm: 1) our check in at 1:30 today and 2) our debrief meeting with TNP for tomorrow at 12:00 at the brewery?
Me: 10:26 AM
Hi. Yes. I actually have a really bad eye infection. It’s swollen, blurry, and draining. I thought it was allergies on Friday because it was just dry but it got progressively worse. I had to reschedule my other appointment and was able to get a same-day appointment at 3:40 today. I’ll know this afternoon what it is. We can still check in at 130.  Deyo is done with the ads. I just need to figure out the number of donors.
Julie 11:15 AM
That is a bummer. Will see you on your Zoom channel at 1:30. Hoping we can catch up, look at some of the KPIs, and work on the agendas for this week’s meetings.
Me: 11:16 AM
Okay. I’m in a lot of pain and my eye is swollen and irritated so I hope you will understand a shorter check in will be best.  I also won’t have the KPI’s by 130 and we may have to reschedule tomorrow’s meeting if I’m not feeling better.  My doctor has concerns about eye strain. In other words this isn’t just a slight eye irritation. I didn’t make it clear that it’s pretty bad.

T:  My boss doesn’t see me
F:  Anxiety
A:  Try and convince myself (unsuccessfully) that I am worthy, ruminate, respond to her as a victim, give myself a hard time for not knowing how to stand up for myself, vent to my partner, feel sorry for myself.
R:  I still don’t know how to stand up for myself in ways that don’t involve verbally “defending” myself.