Not knowing where to start.


I don’t know if this is the right place to ask about this and apologies in advance for the length and detail of this post. I am new to Scholars, March is my first month. I am doing my homework and the workbook associated with the podcasts and I also listen to other podcast episodes on my daily commute, mainly focused on feeling emotions. I’m not going to address my past as I have learned by watching the coaching calls and listening to the other podcasts that my past is not my current issue. My concern is my (self) perceived inability to feel emotions. I avoid them with prescribed medications, overeating, spending money and sleeping (this is the biggest one other than overeating, on days off I can easily sleep 18 hours straight). I consciously refuse to watch movies that would invoke emotion, mainly sadness. The only emotion I have felt (and have not likely felt it as I should) is grief during the loss of my Gran in 2009 and various pets I’ve lost throughout the years. I don’t remember what emotions feel like. I don’t know how to make myself feel them, describe them or sit with them. I have come to the realization that I have been mostly numb for the last 25 years out of choice. Before finding the podcast and now Scholars I would have said that this was created as a defense mechanism but now it’s just my normal. I do not want to continue this but have no idea how to start correcting it. Is this something that I have to accept and explore before trying to change? Do I return to therapy? I just have no idea where to start, what to do or if this is even correctable. Is Scholars even the place for me? It’s been going on so long I do it without thinking. Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance for your time.