Not Loveable

I don’t feel loveable. I was listening to the Big Leap on audible and when he was talking about upper limit problems he mentioned not feeling loveable and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately thought I don’t feel loveable. I had never really thought about it before but I truly believe this about myself. I don’t feel worthy of being loved. The only person I ever felt truly loved me for me and understood me was my father. I am married and have 2 kids and I have thoughts that my kids don’t love me. When my son was younger (and my mom watches him one day a week), I was afraid he would love her more than me. He would be sad to see her leave because he loved playing with her and I would think, he loves her, he doesn’t love me. I see how this is showing up in my relationships with my kids and my husband in a way that isn’t serving me. I feel so much love towards my children but there is still the fear they might not love me because why would they? I am not loveable. I have never felt that my husband truly loves me or understands me because my brain thinks so differently than him and how could he. I had severe anxiety as a kid and it manifested itself in anger and eating….so I have told myself for years that there is something wrong with me and that I am not loveable because I am a “difficult” person even though I don’t have the anger I used to I have still labeled myself as “difficult.”