Not sure if I want to continue a friendship and need some guidance.


Hi,
I’ve been in a friendship for 20 years. Something recently occurred and I started to take an honest look at our friendship and my manual for her. When she got married around 12 years ago, I was adamantly against the marriage because when they first got together, he was cheating on his girlfriend with my friend. I never said anything to her. She asked me to be her Maid of Honor and I said yes but was irritated the entire time. Something I’m not proud of. She quickly became pregnant and I wasn’t there for her. Baby number 2, I wasn’t there for her. I now realize that I was against her marriage and against her having kids with this man and the fact she never wanted kids. I was also envious because I didn’t have kids. Our friendship seemed like more of a burden to me but didn’t know how to end it so I kept up my superficial pretenses and carried on. Over the years, something changed in me and I began to open up and allow her to be herself, appreciating all of who she is. 5 years ago, she moved to NoCal and we became so much closer. She’s still herself but I changed and as a result we’ve had a solid friendship. Flash forward…she left her husband, started school and I was so proud of her. Well, she started dating again and I noticed all of my old thoughts and feelings came back up. I got curious, I did TW, I did models, I got on coaching calls, I submitted to you guys but the thoughts are still there. Now she’s met “Mr. Perfect“ and has sent me countless photos, texted about their amazing sex life and I am having thoughts and feelings that I’m right back to where I was with her 12 years ago. I’m in a place in my life where I want my close friends to be able to go deep. She will not tap into any of her issues and I’m finding myself wanting to avoid her. I don’t know what to do and I know that no one can tell me what to do but I know that I don’t want to go through being fake with her again.
Any suggestion?
Thank you