Not sure if I’m happy in my job


I’ve been working at a job over the past three years that pays fairly well, but that I don’t love. I’ve done a lot of self-coaching on the hard aspects of the job and the politics, and I’ve gotten to the point that even though I don’t like those things, I can practice the thought “My feelings are insulated from this”. As a result, I feel a bit disengaged, happy with my overall life, and that I can tolerate showing up and fulfilling my obligations in a professional manner. I still show up, I’m nice to my colleagues, professional to my boss and fulfill my duties and then some. I’ve asked my boss for a raise in the past, and it didn’t go well, so I haven’t asked again even though I am paid below market rates and have showed this to them. I told my manager that I travel the longest distances out of everyone on the team who travels, I get the least analyst support in my senior role, I do my own analysis and underwriting even when others in my position are supported by analysts and don’t have to do their own underwriting, I meet with clients, I buy and sell loans, and I’m still underpaid and that they don’t value me. They complain that I run up against deadlines, but I’ve told them I’m overloaded. When I tell them this, there is literally no change to any of my duties. We have blow ups, things settle down and nothing changes. Also, the other senior colleagues plan on meeting up without me and maintain exclusive circles into which I’m not invited. I guess I could make my own circle of folks who I like to hang out with and feel more like a part of the office culture, but I have chosen not to do that right now. It’s disappointing to have to disengage, but I feel more emotionally stable as a result. I can’t really tell if I am happy and ready to leave, or if I’ve just changed the circumstance by disengaging my full self from the role. Everyone on my team has been promoted except me, and I’ve mentioned this to my manager and have asked for feedback. He routinely reschedules my one-on-one feedback meetings with him, so now I’m not even trying to meet with him any longer. I’m looking for new work, I’m cheerful and funny at the job, but don’t really share my real thoughts with my manager any longer. I’m unsure about how to make this situation better because I feel like I’ve been punished for speaking my truth there and I don’t feel like I know how to change my thoughts about this.