I live with two other women who have their own rooms and we all share the bathroom, living room and kitchen. The door to my room is right by the kitchen so I can’t exit my room without going through the kitchen. One housemate is almost never home, and the other often wakes up at the same time and sometimes before me and is sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast, or is “making a ruckus” in the kitchen, or hangs out in the living room instead of in her room (I also have to walk through that to get to the bathroom). I have many times now been averse to having to exit my room and walk past her in the morning since I really don’t want to have to interact and be possibly rude by not engaging in small talk and by going straight back to my room.
C My housemate is in the kitchen in the morning, and on weekends, pretty much all day, which is right next to my room.
T I wish I had a glorious empty house to myself every morning, and resent when I don’t have it.
F Resentful, grumpy
A I lay in bed longer than I would have. I try to move around my room as quietly as possible. My thoughts focus on trying to figure out how soon she will be leaving / when to make my appearance. I judge myself for being so antisocial and possibly coming across as mean and disliking her. I am distracted from my work that I would otherwise likely have been doing. I don’t let myself relax either.
R I create resentment and I create distraction from what I really want to be focused on.
Maybe I should just allow this aforementioned model rather than judging myself for feeling that way? But what would allowing it look like? Also I feel like I might already be allowing it but that that hasn’t made it go away. I should probably try on new thoughts to think until I find at least one that works.
C My housemate (and sometimes her boyfriend too) are in the common living spaces in the morning while I am in my room.
T She will think I’m rude and/or self-centered and anti-social, or that I actively dislike her and am trying to avoid her. (Which was doubly worse when she and her boyfriend were in the kitchen together today, and I didn’t want to walk past and brush off both of them by not engaging in small talk, since they are both so nice and well-meaning) I don’t want them to ask how I am and then me not ask them the same in return since that feels impolite (but I would rather be impolite than ask and not mean it).
A Same actions as previous model: try to be quiet, lay in bed longer, not work on my work, hyperfixate on what she’s up to and judge myself for being so affected by her mere presence in a kitchen since she is doing absolutely nothing wrong.
R I create an active dislike of her and direct attempts to avoid her haha!
C Same circumstance as previous 2 models
T Maybe if she thinks I’m sleeping or not home, she will not take offense to me avoiding her.
F Sneaky / Stealthy
A I try to make as little sound while in my room as possible, laying in bed longer, walking slowly, breathing shallowly, not typing or talking.
R I create drama and more reason to feel like it would be bad to make a sound since she would then find out that I’m actually home.
I want to not keep altering how I go about my day just because of some silly thoughts I’m having, but I’m having a hard time breaking this pattern.
Also, on weekdays I think I am perfectly content continuing to keep avoiding her in the morning so that I can enjoy being completely alone in the morning until she leaves for work, where I then have the whole house to myself, successfully avoiding all human interaction in my morning.
But how can I change this pattern on weekends? Or maybe I should practice on weekdays so that I never have to try to avoid her and can clear up space in my head to think about far more important things such as literally anything else. I think that’s my ultimate goal, but it seems lofty right now, so I am hoping to just start with weekends.
One model I considered was:
C They are in kitchen in the morning.
T I allow others such as my housemate and her boyfriend to be wrong about me. They can think I’m rude and all kinds of things if they want. Anyone is allowed to think whatever they want about me and I can’t stop them from thinking those things.
A I ask for help on Ask A Coach
R I create more awareness and create good questions for my brain to work on answering..
But how do I make that thought more believable? I don’t quite believe it yet? Maybe I can think of some bridge thoughts to it?
My skepticism comes from thinking that yeah sure they can think I’m being rude and I know it’s not the truth about who I am fundamentally as a person but they will still be right about me having acted rude if I did so. I guess not technically, but I will still be causing them to feel rude. I guess it’s their thoughts that control that but when they don’t know that, they think it’s my fault. So why do I care so much if someone chooses to THINK that I’m at fault or have done something wrong or acted rude?
I want to learn to feel confident about who I am, even in the face of others possibly or even bluntly, blatantly telling me they think something negative about me.
Perhaps I should do the March 2019 Scholars work on Believing new things, where I write the new thought I want to believe as something like “I am so confident in who I am, that I do not care what others think of me” or something like that, and then work through the worksheet to challenge the protests and counter-evidence that my brain digs up. Do you have any suggestions for if there is a better way to word that new belief or anything else I should put in there or do instead to work towards changing my silly behavior when I’m in this type of scenario?
Thank you for bearing with me, I know this was a long post!