Nothing to look forward to


C: dinner over at 6:30pm
T: I have nothing left to look forward to
F: Disappointed
A: I think about when I can take my melatonin and go to sleep, I get urges to drink unsweetened soda and drinks bc that’s not currently on my protocol, I want the time to pass. I feel a sense of loss. I text people. I low-key buffer. I wish for the time to pass.
R: I don’t enjoy my evening, and I don’t feel my feelings. I don’t find new things to look forward to.

Ultimately I just don’t like how I feel in the evenings. I feel like I’m wasting time, which is exactly the result I get when I think “I have nothing left to look forward to”. But I just feel this stagnancy, like I’m just living this pointless useless life – get up, work, rinse and repeat. Same shit. I feel this way often but not 100% of the time, and I can see that “I’m just living this pointless useless life” is JUST a thought. I can also choose to believe that I am exactly where I need to be in order to create the life I truly desire. I’m doing ALL the right things. ALL the feelings that are coming up are 100% the way. Disappointment is the way. Routine is the way. A sense of monotony is the way.

I have this other weird thing. I judge myself for staying home so much, studying so many podcasts etc. BUT – if I think of other people who I respect that do this, I feel totally fine. Or, if I think if a character in a movie were living my life, I totally wouldn’t think she was weird. I’d like her. And then I feel okay. But when I’m IN my own life, I feel so attached to the story that I’m doing everything wrong.

C: My friend Esther who is a surgeon listens to the LCS podcast in evenings and stays home by herself and cooks
T: See, I’m just like my doctor friend – I’m totally doing it right
F: Confident
A: I feel SO much better, I cook and enjoy it, I watch movies and enjoy it, I sleep early and enjoy it, I take a bath and enjoy it, I listen to my podcast and enjoy it
R: I do it right

I’d like to not have to compare myself to my doctor friend in order to feel like I’m doing things right, but I notice that this thought releases so much resistance. I’d like to find a thought that is NOT dependent on others that makes me feel ‘confident’, but I’m having a hard time with this. How to create feelings of not just confidence, but it’s like a confident relief.

Like, the feeling that I just got a test back and got the highest grade in the class. I KNOW I’m doing it right, and I know that I know how to do it, and I’m100% confident I can do it again.

How do I create that feeling WITHOUT the teacher giving me a good grade?