Obsessions -lp

I was just thinking about the last ten years or so and remembered that there have been several periods of a few years each where I would obsess over various things.

The first phase was I was obsessed with IBS and having panic attacks. I would avoid circumstances that I thought I couldn’t escape from without being ashamed. And losing control of my body. I went through a process of reconditioning myself to sit through the panic and eventually it wasn’t a problem. Maybe I just transferred the obsession.

The next phase was a circumstance that I can’t ever know the truth about. It was my ex bf’s circumstance and I became obsessed with what had happened to his ex gf. I became afraid for my life and thought he might hurt me. That lasted two years.

For two years or so I was obsessed with the question of whether my other ex bf sexually assaulted me. I couldn’t find an answer (I now understand why and that I was caught in a thought loop). I blamed how terrible I felt on him and ended the relationship.

Since I started my career as a web designer 6 years ago or so I’ve been obsessed with not being good enough at it.

I wondered if you could tell me what obsessing is about. I think I’ve heard you talk about obsessing as actually a buffer. Which I guess makes sense if a buffer is an action with negative consequences on the back end. In these cases, I cost myself my relationship, job opportunities, my peace of mind, created debt, made myself a victim, probably more…