Off protocol and scale

I travelled for this week and ate off protocol. Truth be told, I haven’t been writing my protocol down for a while but in general I stick to my no sugar no flour, two meals no snacks. That works for me.

But now, I’m scared of the scale. I don’t want the scale to have control over me, but I still have thoughts about my weight that give it control. I’ve done models on this for almost a year but I still live in fear of the scale. If the scale goes up, I make it mean I suck. If it goes down, I’m filled with hope.

To be clear, I’m like 3-5 pounds away from my ultimate goal weight. I almost kind of gave up on it because I felt I was thin enough. I’d still love to see that goal number, just to say I did it, but I keep telling myself it’s not important because I’m already thin enough.

But I’m scared that I’m slipping and that I’m going to put the weight back on that I lost. So if the scale goes up, I make it mean that I haven’t made any progress, I’ve learned nothing, and that I’m basically back where I started.

I guess I just don’t know what to do.

I’m traveling again next week and I feel tempted to do one meal a day for those days, since I don’t want to put on weight and I’m often with people who are eating non-protocol food, and often, I’m in some strange rural area where there aren’t many options. Dinner, I can manage but lunch is hard. But I want to be careful not to do this as a “punishment” for having eaten off protocol this week.

I also just don’t want to think about food anymore period.

I’m not exactly sure what to do about all of this.