Speaking about the past. After years of therapy I still sometimes feel again how I felt when my mother spoke to me and my sister when we were young, from 6 years old. My sister is 54, I’m 52.
My mother said: “I regret having you, my life would be so much more interesting without you, I could have had a career, travel the world”. “One advice, never get children yourself, they destroy your life”. And more like this. My sister and me have exact the same memory. My sister never got children. I have a son who’s 13 years old and I’m happy with him and my husband.
These words of her, many times spoken in many different ways do still have an effect, although not like before.

I’ve tried to speak with her about her past, years ago. An advice of one of my therapists: Went not so well! Tried not to see her for a year: No solution.
She calls me a “difficult daughter”. She went so far as speaking about me with her sisters and they started sending me letters saying “you’re an awful daughter…etc.”.

I can’t change her, I can’t change her thoughts, I can’t change my aunts. I really feel often empathy for her, especially now when she’s getting older. But I also feel sometimes the pain when I think about the past. There were years I opened up, and then out of the blue she had something else to ‘attack’. I’ve many examples, even my husband is astonished where she’s capable of. From the outside she’s an educated, elegant woman in her 70’s, when she’s alone with me you never know what is coming.

How do I rewrite this story?

Unintentional
C. Words my mother spoke when I was a kid
T. This is not what a mother normally says
F. Unworthy
A. Proving myself in any way possible
R. Having 2 master degrees, do competitive sports, anything to prove myself.

Intentional
C. Words my mother spoke when I was a kid
T. My mother had been the eldest and had to to care for her siblings, didn’t have the chance to enjoy single life
F. Empathy
A. Approach her with compassion
R. Relationship without tension

It’s like my second model is going another direction! Where has the self worth part gone?
Isn’t it part of the 50% I have to experience when my mother doesn’t welcome me as her daughter.

Thank you, coach, for your observation and feedback!