On Being Vulnerable


I am a writer and am working these days on my very first novel.
I had dealt with procrastination for years because I feared to write badly. Now of course, I know that it was all thoughts and judgments.

I came as far as outlining the overall story of my novel and a detailed outline of my first chapter.
Then I watched myself for the past week avoiding starting to write under excuses of “I need more information” or “I don’t really have it all yet” or “I’m not sure it’s any good” or “maybe I should meditate on the story some more.”

So the good news is that I’m onto myself.
My brain uses all kinds of sentences that will hold me from actually starting to write.

When I look at the emotions I want to be able to accommodate in order to move past them and write, I realized I am not sure anxiety or fear are the ones I always thought I experienced.

Physically I feel restless and antsy and I want to physically get away from my computer (where I write).
I don’t have heart palpitations like in anxiety or sweat like in fear. I also don’t think of any physical harm expected.
My anticipation is of being disappointed of my writing and thus of myself.

The main thought I have is: “I don’t have a clear image of what I want to write and I don’t know if it will be any good.”

This thought causes me to feel vulnerable.
I know I want to write, I know I need to move past this discomfort, but I have no guarantee that what I will write today will be any good. It might be really boring, actually.
Of course, it will be optional to choose to think that it’s good or bad but even in my own standards, I could tell if I am satisfied with the level of what I wrote or not. And many times I am very satisfied.

On Urban Dictionary I found this definition to ‘Vulnerable’:

“Someone who is completely and rawly open, unguarded with their heart, mind, and soul.
Being vulnerable happens when you trust completely.
Rather its vulnerability by pain or joy, it’s being exposed with all of the emotions that make it easy for someone or something to really do some emotional damage or healing.”

So it’s really about my anticipation of the emotions I will feel as I write and after I completed the daily writing, whether it will be satisfactory to me or not and how will I feel about it.

Is my work here basically to write while I endure the discomfort and wait for the judgment to arise and then coach myself on the judgment?