Once in a lifetime love

I keep getting stuck in thought loops about my ex and all of our good memories. I beat myself up and sit here wishing he would come back.
I never took him seriously until he left, and I feel shame about that because I think I fit into the “shitty person who only cares once they are leaving” category we often hear about in breakup culture. There is so much judgement because I believe I am the one who messed it up so I don’t deserve him or don’t deserve to feel how I feel. I want this to be over and I want to move on, but I also want to fix myself so there is the possibility he would come back. He has a new partner and he had her for two months while still talking to me…he said he just wasn’t sure if he was ready to let me go…then he did. I use all his inconsistent statements and focus on how he may still not be over me. I’ve been watching YouTube videos on how to tell if it’s a rebound or how to get him back. I know all of this is not in line with what I believe or “should” be doing but I am so attached to the idea of being with him. I want to release it but I don’t because I am sold that we are meant to be together. I am judging EVERYTHING. All of these thoughts and myself. I think I am pathetic. He calls and then pulls away, calls and then pulls away. I just want to be over this now. I am trying to remind myself that I can still have the life I had with him alone, but my brain doesn’t buy that.

C: C and I were in a relationship
T: Its a once in a lifetime kind of love
F: bound
A: wait for him. watch my phone. compare it to other relationships. avoid moving on. ruminate on his words and actions. ask others if they think he’s coming back. ruminate on how I will behave. Ruminate on our old memories.
R: I make it come true?
I miss the opportunity to have love with anyone else

C: Ex says one day he misses me, next that “he wants his life with his gf now”
T: If I move on for good, I wont want him when he comes back
F: afraid
A: avoid moving on. watch my phone for his text. judge myself and him. Try to brainstorm how to get him back.
R: I don’t move on

C: C is not talking to me and in a relationship
T: I don’t want us to be over for good
F: resistant
A: avoid moving on. think of our good memories. try to find hope in his actions. watch youtube videos about winning him back. resist moving on
R: I don’t let us be over in my mind?

I want to do what’s best for me but where I am at right now is honestly, not wanting to let go and I feel like I’m betraying myself and look like a fool.