One of those days


I just came home from work where I unexpectedly had to give a short introduction about a new agency resource to the whole organization, about 80 people in person and 400 people online. It wasn’t a high pressure situation in terms of work content/messaging, but I wasn’t prepared, and I went on right after my boss, the agency director, who is a terrific impromptu speaker and a great leader. I forgot to thank her or acknowledge her in any way, I didn’t say everything I would have liked to say, I only remembered to thank some of the staff who helped get us the resource but not all of them, and I fumbled the introduction I was supposed to do for the next presenter. Awesome. I joined SCS to work on choosing better thoughts about myself as a senior leader at work because I’ve struggled with self-doubt and anxiety, convinced that I’m not dynamic or confident or badass enough to be a leader. I’ve been practicing new thoughts and have been feeling better at work the last few weeks, but these 4 silly minutes presenting today have brought back all my old thoughts that I’m just not cut out for this job. Because I get wrecked by 4 minutes of impromptu speaking and obsess over how I am perceived by my colleagues and my staff. I guess I can think I’m not cut out for this job, but I sure can’t have them thinking that. I know I’m selectively remembering how I did/what I said today, but right now I so just want to get a lower profile job where it’s easier for me to think confident thoughts so I can avoid this feeling of incompetence and embarrassment. I feel ridiculous for reacting this way too, which is also awesome. I did pour myself a glass of wine, but I started typing here instead of sipping. I cried hard for a couple minutes when I first started typing and now it does seem to have passed. Now what? Just call it a human day and do my usual work tomorrow? I do thought downloads in the AM so I can take a look inside again then. Phew, I’m exhausted. I didn’t need the wine, but I do need my blanket and my puppy…