Online dating apps


I have done some thought work on dating apps to feel not so disappointed by the lack of what I perceive to be quality men on the sites. Before, I used to open the app and have an optimistic attitude and pep talked my way through the first few profiles that I found to be terrible. Then I kept swiping on people and the bad profiles started to stand out more than the good ones, and I’d get a sinking feeling that I’d never find someone I’d want to send a message to and then I’d close the app after not messaging on anyone. I’d beat myself up for not finding anyone attractive and get on again, force myself to send out messages and then feel exhausted about it after.

My thought work has led me to a place of neutral with the bad dating apps. I just figure that they’re on there and I can ignore them and move past them quickly. I can’t fool myself into thinking that there’s an abundance of great people out there who fit my criteria, because there aren’t. So, I’m trying to work on enjoying the process of dating. Right now, I feel neutral about dating and when I have conversations with people, I’m not feeling attraction to them. The conversations tend to be boring and neutral, so very little excitement and fun involved. Dating feels like a time sucking chore because it’s so neutral and I don’t know how to bridge to enjoying it. I was putting more effort into online dating but not getting that much out. Men seem to not respond well to my witty attempts at communication or trying to kick off a more deep conversation.

IM
C: Men’s profiles on online dating app
T: These conversations are totally boring
F: Neutral
A: Get to a point in the conversation where I stop responding to the man, feel uninspired by the conversation, try to ask interesting questions and don’t get the energy back that I want, feel tired, close the app, wait a few days before attempting to talk to someone again, have trouble motivating myself to get online again, think about canceling my subscription, think that online dating is the only way I’m meeting any men at all during the pandemic, get back on, see several profiles I’m not into, close the app again, sit alone and stew about the unfairness of it all (I know, dramatic), tell myself I have to do online dating if I want to increase my chances of meeting someone
R: Feel no attraction to the process of dating

IM
C: Same
T: I don’t have to send hundreds of messages a month if it’s too hard to stay motivated
F: Relief
A: Send a few messages per week, recharge my batteries for a few days so I can deal with the inevitable discouragement that the dating process brings, keep a steady pace even if it’s a minimal baseline
R: Enjoy online dating more when I’m realistic about its potential

I know Brooke is always asking the question about how you can feel amazing doing certain things, but I cannot see a way to feel amazing about online dating when it’s so challenging to stay motivated. I’m amazed that it exists and I’ve had the opportunity to talk to people I normally wouldn’t have met in real life, but the process is such a grind. I’m not seeing how to find it enjoyable when it feels like so much work. I’m trying to work toward “There are so many amazing men on this app” but I’m not quite there yet. I think if I could really believe that, app dating would feel much more exciting for me.