Last night was not a planned night of drinking. My husband and I completed a design for a brand new kitchen. While we were finalizing the plans with the designer I felt an urge to drink come over me. I knew the feeling was excitement but strangely that feeling also felt the same as anxiety. I felt like I needed to calm myself. The urge came over me 2 times but drinking was not an option because there was just no alcohol there. So I wrote about my “drinking thinking” this morning. I was curious about the excitement and anxiety feeling the same and was not happy about that.
When we left the designer it was late and we were very hungry and excited. My mind started to go into all the manipulating reasons why it was okay to drink tonight. We were celebrating, we were out for dinner and not home, okay so I won’t drink tomorrow night when I planned to drink (swap plans) etc..If I can put food in me first then maybe I won’t drink, No, I want to have the wine, okay I’m gong to drink and not feel bad about it. I try talking to my Future, Future Self but that conversation lasted 10 seconds and then went back to my present self and shortly coming future self. (a battle of selves lol!)
Total resistance to the urge on our way to dinner.. I was much better at leaning into the urge when the alcohol was not present while in the designers office. So I learned that excitement and anxiety felt the same and this is why the urge came up but when faced with the alcohol the madness started.
So moving on though I am resisting beating myself up…I don’t know if I should stick to my two planned drinks tonight or say “No you are swapping nights.” I’m afraid if I go off course then in will screw me up with my drinking plan for the upcoming weekend. Don’t know why I feel this way. Is it because my original plan was Tuesday and Thursday 2 drinks and Saturday and Sunday 3 drinks? …and I went off course and drank Wednesday night. My mind is like well if I don’t stick to the plan to move on and drink tonight that I will throw caution to the wind by the weekend because my week was not followed as planned. That goes against the feeling of write and move on.