I volunteer at a listening service. I have done it for years and I have thoughts about it that are really pleasant (I am helping people in their lowest moments, I am good at listening non-judgementally and holding space for people). I messed up with my scheduling and thought I had moved my shifts for the next few weeks (because I am abroad now). I just realised today I am meant to have a night shift tonight and I cannot make it. My thoughts are that it awful to cancel a shift last minute like this. I thought I would never do this again. I can’t believe I could be so disorganised, letting people down. If I had checked my schedule and made sure I was not signed up to shifts they might have been able to get a replacement for me.
I know intellectually my shaming myself now is doing nothing to help people who might be lonely and call the service I volunteer at. It is also not helping me. I think I am making this mean that none of the steps I have taken to take control of my life, and live intentionally, organize my time etc, over the past few months have “worked” and I am the same chaotic person I have always been.
C: same day cancellation
T: I am still as disorganized as I always was
A: obsess over the negative consequences of this, look at other things I am “failing” at, other times I have let myself or others down. Think that this is incurable and I will never be able to create the life I want because I cannot even keep track of my appointments.
R: I stay disorganized, not taking ownership of my life, and living in a constant reaction rather than intentionally creating the life I want
C: same day cancellation
T: It makes sense that it is hard to change the way you operate
A: think about what I can do now to make this better (sign up to shifts that are low on volunteers, thank the people who searched for a replacement) and think about how I can avoid missing something like this again. I take the time to log all my upcoming shifts on my calendar and add a remind 4 days in advance. Build shift reminders into monday hour 1. Forgive myself for the human mistake, and realize that this mistake does not mean I have not made progress in becoming the (organized) person I want to be.
R: I accept myself with my flaws, reality as it is, and the space between who I am now and who I want to be. I turn to look at how I want to show up in the future
I think my Ts and Rs are a bit not quite right, but I feel some relief with the new T