Orgasms (explicit)

So I hooked up with my ex last night and I am finding myself obsessing about him now. I don’t know why, I don’t even particularly like him anymore and have decided that we are not good for each other. I have been feeling good about this decision but I see that I still really do want him to want me back. Truth is, that he does not.

Anyway, he now is seeing a new girl. Fine, no big deal.

Here are my models.

C: Ex says his new girlfriend can squirt, and I did not
T: He enjoys having sex with her more than me / I am not enough
F: Shame (there is something wrong with me)
A: I pretend to be interested in his new girl, I buy a g-spot vibrator to try and make myself squirt, I research if I should get a boob job, I look up new workout plans to get more in shape, I try to feel my feelings, I don’t do my work, I stay up too late, I focus on getting somebody to like me who just simply doesn’t instead of finding somebody who does
R: I abandon myself by trying to change myself to make him want me

I can see that I’m believing my T’s are C’s. But, I don’t know that he enjoys having sex with her more than me – he did have sex with me last night, after all.

I can also see that it’s possible that HE isn’t enough for ME. We are not emotionally connected for him to really learn me, he is caught up in his own messed up past and isn’t there for me in the way I want (and never really has been). Also, I faked my orgasm with him and feel ashamed of that, too. I’m totally judging myself for it.

C: Ex said his new girlfriend can squirt, and I did not
T: Ex isn’t enough for me
F: Relief
A: I move on to focus on the relationship with myself and future relationships I will draw in. I focus on what I learned from Ex and will look for different things in new relationships moving forward.
R: I stop self-abandoning and find someone who is right for me

I like the thought that Ex isn’t enough for me, and there is somebody out there that is perfect for me. I also want to feel like I am enough for me, that I don’t need anybody outside of me to prove it. I guess the thought is that “there is absolutely nothing wrong with me”. And I guess that’s true, there is nothing wrong with me, I’m hooking up with a guy who I’m not emotionally connected with enough to learn how to get me off. But at the same time, I’m not having my own back in this situation either.

C: Having sex with Ex
T: It’s going to be too difficult for me to orgasm and I want him to feel good about himself
F: People pleasing
A: Faked orgasm
R: I don’t feel good about myself

I just have the underlying belief that if I don’t orgasm, that nobody is going to want to have sex with me but I’d like to be with a guy who is willing to explore my body with me and find what works. And when I compare myself to my ex’s new girl, I feel like – how can she possibly be having these explosive orgasms with a guy she just met? Then I’m right back to “there’s something wrong with me”.

Any help here is appreciated.