Thought work has taught me that no one causes my feelings, and the majority of the time, I believe that. I wonder if that belief keeps me around people that aren’t good for my life.
I’m always there for people. I always go out and above for people. I always take responsibility for my feelings, and I never expect people to be there for me. But the rare occasion that I feel like I need someone…those people I am there for… they aren’t here for me.
I just spent 3 hours around my ex-husband and ex-in-laws. I have a lot of pain over my thoughts about how I feel he did me at the end of our relationship. He was the best friend I ever had, and as soon as he met someone else, he discarded me like I was trash. I don’t blame him for my brain, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still hurt.
Right now is one of those moments where I feel like I need someone to be here. I know I need to be there for me, but I’m just really yearning for someone to be here for me.
I have a friend with me who I have been there for every second of every time she’s upset, and that’s often. Now here’s the one moment I need someone, and she tells me she can’t be here for me because she doesn’t know what to say. The next second she’s on the phone with someone, rattling off advice and being there for them, while I’m literally sitting right next to her.
I also have another friend who went off on me for four days in a row about how shitty of a friend I am, and yet again, here I am, and where is she?
If I did this shit to them, they’d be gone. If I stopped doing all the shit I do (which I’m realizing is people pleasing) would they be here? I don’t ever ask for shit, but when I’m visually here needing someone, they don’t care. Then why would they be there for me, even at my best?
I just want to be done. Done people pleasing. Done talking when I don’t want to. Done with being in friendships.
When it comes down to it, and I need someone, I’m alone. So why am I out here, people pleasing.
I feel so hurt right now. I know it’s what I’m focusing on. I know it’s my feelings. But everyone, including me, has no problem holding me to every mistake I make. But I keep my mouth shut, so I don’t act stupid or blame someone for my feelings. I’m tired of it.
I feel like it’s bad to need someone; I hardly ever do. But when I do, these people who are my so-called best friends aren’t here.
I needed somewhere to go, so I came here. I guess this is my way of trying to have my own back.