Other People’s Models

Okay, today am struggling with what seems like an “other people’s models” issue. Indignation, frustration, wanting to control outcomes.

I am putting in flower and vegetable gardens in my rental house. I set a sprinkler so it was sprinkling on and slightly over the fence. ( I didn’t realize the latter.) I came back ten minutes later and my neighbor, a tall 65ish white man starts yelling at me that the water is hitting his $5,000 rug that is in the back yard. I apologize and turn off the water. He continues to yell. I try talking to him calmly, he keeps yelling. Saying he has to pay to take it to the cleaner now. I say, look, it’s not okay to yell at me like that. (My puppy is barking the whole time.) He says he can’t hear. I think he shouldn’t yell at me and go into a spin about people not respecting me. (I had a downstairs neighbor 2.5year ago come upstairs into my apartment and yell at me about a burst pipe (relatively mild in water flow.)

C: Neighbor says words in “loud” voice for several minutes
T: He is a total jerk
F: Angry
A: Think I will be inconvenienced in the future, think I won’t speak to him in the future, think of ways to adjust my watering so I won’t have to inconvenience or interact with him. Plan to tell my landlord that I want him to deal with the neighbor if any future issues about the property line arise ( before I sign a one year lease).
R: I am a total jerk (and disempower myself)

C: same
T: He is entitled to his own thoughts and feelings
F: Slightly annoyed
A: Go on with my day, remember I am only in charge of myself, forgive him and myself for being human, relax and think about something else

I have a volunteer group that I am leading. I have the thought that the other members aren’t participating and that I should probably quit at some point if it doesn’t get better. I sent and resent a doodle poll to identify new meeting times, then sent an email after our last meeting proposing a new schedule. One person out of four responded meaningfully, one person responded one week later but didn’t address any of the questions. I decided to text them to talk to them one on one.

C: Send text message to three group members at 6pm, by 7pm, 8pm, 9pm no one responds
T: I shouldn’t have to follow up with them to get an answer to my question
F: Angry
A: Fume, think about quitting, think about how I shouldn’t ask for action items in the future because everyone is so passive. Think about things group members did or didn’t do in the past. Blame myself for things not going ‘well’.

C: Same
T: I can let go of this outcome for now
F: Calm, relief
A: Get on with my evening, do models, think of reasons why they might not have responded, stop making the ‘situation’ about me.

Thanks for any feedback.