Met mom for dinner at our local Mexican place. It was good to see her. Interestingly she didn’t even ask about my week. Not one word. I stayed with plan foods but overate. I’ve noticed that a lot of my overeating happens when I’m around my mom. I wasn’t aware of feeling anything at the time. Thoughts I frequently think about mom: she is fading away before my eyes, she is going to need someone to take care of her, she does not approve of my body, she is very funny, I like to laugh around her, I wish she was like she used to be, I don’t want her to suffer, I don’t want her to die, I don’t know whether I’d be sad or relieved if she died suddenly, she gets a crazy idea into her head and it’s hard to talk her out of it, she is probably lonely, I should do more for her, I should spend more time with her, she shows me love with food, when I am thinner than her she feels bad.
The collective result of these thoughts is feeling melancholy and the action is eating.
What do I want to think on purpose about Mom:
I love her
I am a good daughter
I can accept her love without eating it
I have the skills needed to handle whatever comes
She is doing the best she can
She loves me very much
I am so lucky to have her for a mom
I can sit with melancholy (or any other emotion for that matter) if needed and not eat
She is an adult and I don’t get to control how she thinks or what she does.
I see Mom at least once a week, usually more. I’ve been very successfully losing weight for 18 months (down 60lbs :), but looking back most of the times I’ve not followed my plan have been when I’m around her. I think I believe the intentional thoughts above. suggestions for next steps to move forward on this are welcome.