Painful interaction with spouse


Very bad day at my house. Help with model, especially seeing anything I don’t see. Especially with replacement thought options.

C: Spouse comes home. Spouse says many words. I say words. Spouse says more words. I hit spouse. Spouse pushes me. I fall down.

T: I can’t stand this (pain). And if I go deep into all the unconscious thoughts there’s this: “Why did he walk in slinging at me before he’d even stepped through the door?” and “Why wouldn’t he stop?” and “Why would he act like this when he knows I’m feeling demoralized and grief today?” And yes, I know this all made him responsible for how I was feeling.

F: Devastated

A: Go to car alone so child won’t hear me. Cry. Rail. Call sister. Talk and listen. Cry more. Shut down. Panic. Breathe. Struggle to stay aware of thoughts and feelings. Feel the feelings. Sit. Hold situation responsible for big, uncomfortable emotions. Wonder what my rights are in divorce. Look up divorce law in my state to understand what I may or may not have rights to. Ask for guidance on what I can do to create income. Think that financial independence would make it easier to leave. Think that we’re all in pain and it has to stop. Post on particular FB forum if anyone’s gone through divorce and is willing to talk. Try to get away from big uncomfortable feelings.

R: No work done. Unknown further damage to relationship. Bruise on my leg. Sore wrist. Heart pain.

C: Spouse comes home. Spouse says many words. I say words. Spouse says more words. I hit spouse. Spouse pushes me. I fall down.

T: ??
(This ladder doesn’t take me to the F I want: I have thoughts and feelings. I’m in charge of those thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I forget this. This spouse of mine has thoughts and feelings. He thinks I create them. How interesting.)

F: Responsible, emotionally mature

A: Apologize for what’s mine to apologize for. Feel my feelings and allow them to pass through. Remember that life is 50% comfortable and 50% not comfortable. Decide what I want in an area of my life I value. Write out steps to accomplish one of these areas. Do one of those steps. Be gentle with myself. Give myself time to recover if necessary. Again contemplate that if I let this spouse be who he is and find a way to simply love him for being here, is this someone I want to be in relationship with?

R: I’m more responsible for my thoughts and feelings. Closer to having the courage to leave without blaming anyone. Closer to having the courage or decision to say I can let him be him, let me be me and that I don’t want this relationship.