Pandora’s box – now what!


Hi lovely coaches! 2 nights ago while talking to my husband on the phone while he was out drinking with friends, he made a “jokey” comment about our frequency of intimacy in relation to infidelity. I hung up the phone and was hit with intense hurt and was furious. Lots of tears, and lots of intense, negative thoughts about our relationship and his behaviour. I allowed all of this, and didn’t take the action I ‘wanted’ to (ring him, yell, etc!). The following morning, the anger was gone but there was a lot of hurt, loss, and thoughts about our relationship that I was able to observe and allow. I was able to see my reaction was way out of proportion to the comment and involved a lot of unrelated thoughts. I reminded myself of the manual, and Brooke’s concepts of marriage being so you have someone to love. I felt like I was grieving the loss of my ‘ideal’ relationship – all things I want someone to do to show me love that I will never have – and spent most of the morning in tears. The funny thing is, turns out my husband knows he said something that upset me due to an apology text message he sent after I hung up, but not what it was, and has no idea how upset I actually was. It’s like I had this huge argument/upset with him and he doesn’t even know!! I declined to tell him what he said when he asked (we were with the kids when he asked and I knew I still needed to process things before talking to him) and he hasn’t asked since and is away for work for a few days.
I’m now feeling calm, can see his comment was neutral and that I had a lot of suppressed thoughts that came to the surface. I feel like I am accepting my manual is never going to be met so can work on dropping it and focus on who I want to be in this marriage, and focus on the good things about my husband. But I do feel like “now what?!”
I’m not sure how ‘deep’ I need to go with addressing the thoughts I had – do I need to revisit, model them etc – I don’t feel the need to today but perhaps this is me protecting myself from experiencing those feelings again? I also am unsure if I should bring it up with my husband, does he need to know what some of those thoughts were or how upset I was – again I’m not sure if I am being practical (knowing that any discussion would not be about him changing) or avoiding this. Boy, what a rollercoaster – but I am glad it happened so I can move forward in our relationship. Thanks coaches!