Parent/Child Relationship – Part 2

Wow. Thank you so, so much for that response. You hit the nail on the head. I asked myself the questions you gave me and the thought popped up… “I Need to Be Loved” (If I’m loved, I’m lovable). So it’s been important for me to be IN a relationship – so I can do what it takes to be “loved” (which, in my case, seems to be approval) by that person. First parents, check. Then wife, check. Then partner, check. And every so often, a friend, business partner, etc. I’ve only been “without” someone twice in my life… once – when I went to college but quickly left that school after just 1 semester to change schools to be with my girlfriend. The second time – the month between when I moved out with my ex-wife and found my partner (which also an incredibly painful time).

“Everything we do, we do because we think it will make us feel better” also makes a ton of sense. I was feeling depressed during my marriage – and even went to therapy, where the therapist said… “Um… do you think you might be gay?” – and my reply was “Oh no! I can’t be gay. If I was gay, I’d have to leave my wife.” I think my mind was protecting me with severe denial by saying “Well, being loved is better than being alone/unloved/unlovable, so let’s keep denying reality.” However, when the emotional pain got so great, one day – my brain went from “Not gay, you need love” to “Emergency pain alert. Save yourself. You’re gay.” This is now making a ton of sense.

So — my model seems like this:

C: family
T: I need to be loved by others to be lovable
F: needy
A: I do what friends, family, partner say – and look for opportunities to get validation (more love!)
R – I look to others to define my worth

How does one change that? I think the simple answer is to change the T line to “I love myself”… but that seems like a huge leap. Even though I do like myself (on most days, mainly after doing a thought download)… “loving myself” regardless of how others feel about me feels weird. Necessary obviously. The truth, even. But like it’s something at the top of a ginormous hill.

I save quotes – and 2 (of the many) that I’ve saved from Byron Katie are: “It’s no one else’s job but your own to love you” and “Spare me from seeking love, approval, or appreciation”… but wow… how do you do that?

Is there a stair-step thought? “I like myself”… “I admire myself”… or should I just practice “I love myself” and see what happens?

This seems to be incredibly pivotal … for my personal relationships and even my business. Any insight into how you go from thinking “I need love from an outside source or I’m unlovable” to “I love myself entirely” would be awesome! Thank you again. 😀

P.S. This really is life-changing work.