Parenting differences

My wife and I grew up with very different relationships with food, specifically dinner time, eating what is made, finishing your plate, etc. We are a blended family. I expect kids to eat what is made, as we cater to their tastes to avoid conflict. However, because she grew up with far more flexibility, she will let them “make their own dinner” if they don’t like what is there. Routinely, my step daughter decides she doesn’t want, rather than doesn’t like what’s for dinner. Then she makes a mess making her dinner and I am left to clean it. Saying anything results in a brawl between my wife and I. So I stuff it, which results in me disconnecting during dinner, letting the relationship with my family suffer. I don’t want to disconnect, but I feel like the only way to not is to be honest, which results in a fight.