Parenting dilemma

I have a big challenge with my older son who has Aspergers and ADHD. He is a good kid but appears to avoid any work possible, would it be house work, helping with yard, studying or reaching for his goals. I want to change his life so bad. But we always argue and he says he does not want a “lecture.” He is becoming completely non motivated and we are becoming more apart. I try to back off of him and be neutral, as I know it’s his life and I can’t save him from his mistakes. But how can I approach him with love and care even if he drives me completely crazy? I start nice and then lash out. We end up nowhere and the cycle continues.