Parenting teens

I have a wonderful 16 yr old son who has very suddenly made some decisions to do things that are “out of bounds” based on the religious values that we have adopted in our home (and which he has at least appeared to follow until now).. I understand that I cannot control him and I do want to have open communication and speak to him in an honest way even though he is returning my patience with a lot of complaining and with a tone of voice that I consider disrespectful. So is the deal that I get to feed him, clothe him, provide for him, sit at his sporting events for hours, tutor him, etc etc and he gets to disregard my wishes? Bc the open communication has not resulted in him backing down from pursuing this behavior in any way. He’s not an adult that gets to do whatever he wants. Please help me understand the balance in setting expectations/consequences and letting him make his own choices. Aren’t I allowed to set rules? A complicating factor is my belief that I am accountable to God for how I am raising him and what I allow him to do under my watch. Those beliefs are not something that I can just trade in for another belief that makes me feel better. I find myself getting quieter and quieter as I fear I will open my mouth and lash out with all the hurt and disappoint that I’m feeling. I felt so much compassion for the mother on the coaching replay call whose kids won’t clean the house. Some of these aspects of motherhood feel like a very bitter pill to swallow.