Partner accuses and blames me


My partner of 4 years and I have decided to take a break (she had to travel abroad for 3 months). We have a beautiful and solid connection and relationship in so many ways but there is something that I find exhausting and hard to deal with.

My partner accuses me of things which I feel are not true. Her accusations include: me not allowing her to have friends, not supporting her career, making her feel unwelcome in the home, not liking her family etc. When she is calm she admits that she doesn’t really think these things and she acknowledges all the ways in which these things are not true. But when she makes these accusations she does so aggressively and usually refuses to speak to me afterwards, sometimes for up to three days .

Initially I responded with anger and defensiveness which of course made things worse. Nowadays I generally ignore it as much as possible and wait for it to pass, or try to consistently express love , which doesn’t really seem to calm her down. These arguments affect our day-to-day life together – often plans are cancelled or I am upset and feeling bad so not able to get on with my own stuff. At times I feel like I’m living with an out-of-control teenager.

Recently my therapist suggested the idea that she might be borderline personality disorder and some of the symptoms seem to fit (although she has never self-harmed, threatened suicide or physically attacked me). This kind of helps me make sense of her behaviour and it stops me taking it personally or seeing it as her ‘fault’, but then also i feel sad like i just have to live with this rollercoaster unless she gets help.

At times she admits she has issues and says she will get help, and admits her part in things. She has been in therapy for 2-3 years now, but this has not helped change this behaviour of hers. She has said she will do anger management etc but so far hasn’t. I think I am waiting for her to change in order to have the relationship I dream of.

I want to do the model on this, but am not even sure where to start with it!

I’m not sure what is the circumstance, the result etc… or even what is factual since even what I have written above is only my interpretation and one of the qualities of this conflict/ drama between us is we have completely differing realities about what happens – although we connect and share so much in other ways and on other topics e.g. spirituality, politics, life, art, having fun and adventures, the home etc..

Thanks for any insight!