I am cleaning up my perceptions on the past.
It is something that is skewing my now outlook negatively – so it’s like ok – I’ll go into the past and tidy that up….

The past is having efforted to provide myself income and a home.

My brain says:
T – It didn’t ever work
So, my definition of “it working” is like having a real bed up off the floor and great bedding, paying rent easily, feeling secure because I can pay rent easily

What has come up is that I feel secure in myself and I can face people that think negatively about my amount of income, and who I can be in the world.

I just haven’t ever got to pay bills effortlessly – something has always been unpaid, there was usually some scramble and stress to keep rent paid – I guess I feel bad about myself somewhat but I’m not sure how to get at it….. to clean it up

The past is moving 11 times in 1.7 years because there was always some issue w/ the roommate – then, I seemed to level up and finally get a place if my own but then the landlord was verbally abusive – I made the best of that situation and barely had to speak to him and then I moved to yet an even better place and finally got a better mattress but still on the floor – and now I’m living in my car…. so it’s like I’ve never been able to just provide such basics for myself

C – Having a home a bed w/o struggle
T – It’s like I’ve never been able to provide the basics for myself
F – Sad
A – I’m tangled in my thinking and having more emotions from this model like anger, begin to believe it’s all futile, feel angry in kind of a victim way but can’t seem to make solutions happen, tired of climbing up out of nothing only to go back down to nothing again
R – I’m not able to provide for myself

Ok – there is a lot here – here is my question and I’ll work on this all on paper
How do I actually solve this if everything I’ve done hadn’t solved it ever?

That sad victim comes up inside because what I do doesn’t seem to ever work

Here is what I’ve done:
– kept going
-worked on mindset
-found trades for coaching and healing since I couldn’t pay for it
– kept finding trades
– worked 87 hour weeks
-worked 100 hour weeks
-worked 3 jobs
– worked 14 hour days
-went to do a yoga certificate to have employment that paid better
-started doing handstand workshops
-started website
-found my soul mission and built a biz
-started podcast – almost at 400 episodes
– started youtube channel
-started weekly sun sign horoscopes
-developed my own astrological shamanic coaching method/style
-get massive transformation for my clients
-kept improving website
– designed logi
-worked in getting guest appearances
-got some
-faced my shadow – went into it hardcore and been doing extreme shadow healing for 2 years now
-did belief reprogramming
-wrote a book
-finishing book now
-working on obtaining more guest appearances
-did cold outreach
-networked
-built social media
-always working to improve social media
-talked to 100s and 100s of people and networked and went to events and meetups and I talk to people everywhere
-have done literally 200 free coaching sessions and helped women from going in dark holes, out of fear and heal trauma (divine service I was called to do)

These are the big too ones…… And I can’t afford a friggin’ roof over my head
– on the one hand I have to keep going
– on the other hand I need to think about this all better so I can keep going – can you help me w/ this please…..?