Past Grief /Future Fear

My mom died when I was 15 (now I’m 45) (she was my bff and still is 😉

I believe her life and her death effected me profoundly in positive and negative ways.

I used to feel suicidal most of the time. Now, I believe that because I’ve been in SCS since Dec., I am starting to feel this incredible shift and excitement for my future, like I actually WANT to live. I have a LOT to live for. But it seems like, it feels like, my thoughts are now shifting to fear, terror, panic and doom about my future IF one of my kids dies, or if my grandchild died… or what will happen to them if I die?

It’s like, before, I wanted to avoid my life by imaging just dying like my mom. “She got to die at 38, how come I’m still here? I’ve had 7 more years than her!” Seriously.

But now, the crying-panic-terror-doom shitty thoughts about what if I live and they don’t? OMG!? Or what if I die (cuz I gained a lot of weight and mom died young and I say to me, “you know, you’re a fucking miracle right now… you better lose weight or you’ll die of heart disease like Mom…”)…

Is this my brain just totally freaking out? Do I do a Model on each thought, or just re-direct my brain until it forms new grooves?

Thank you for creating Scholars and all the room SCS provides for awareness and deliberate un-rushed growth <3