People doing one thing and saying another…3!

Thank you again – so I’ve accepted your invite to work on it and come back!! πŸ™‚

I have realised that I have very deep ingrained thoughts e.g. “other people are not to relied upon” “I should not rely upon others” “I have to make sure I have my own back at all times otherwise I will suffer”

A lot of self-development stuff (including the LCS) says that we shouldn’t rely on others and should take care of our own needs. I have a lot of fear around taking care of my own needs – what if I can’t or this leaves me to be all alone? So the thought “I have my own back” which could be an empowering thought, instead feels scary and threatening.

On the other hand I have populated my life with people who can’t be relied upon and also need a lot from me. So I often DO end up taking care of my self. This is so confusing to me I can’t quite untangle it!

Here’s me completing the models you set:

Unintentional Model:

C- Colleague doesn’t do work by mutually agreed deadline
T – what thought is creating fear for you? “I cannot rely on other people”
F – Fear
A – Distract from taking the action on the problem (e.g. buffering/ avoiding colleague), judge myself for not taking action, talk about it with friends etc. Do multiple models/ reach out to coaches, confusing communications with colleague (e.g. swing between giving them more time and putting foot down). Over-thinking/ talking to others about how this is probably the best i can get and don’t deserve reliable colleagues so have to make this work even though he has proved unreliable over and over.
R – what is your result? “I am unreliable” “I am not to be relied upon” ??? “I don’t rely on other people?” (not sure on that since I am obviously coming to you!)

Likewise, if you did believe your intentional thought, how would you be feeling?

Intentional Model:

C- Colleague doesn’t do work by mutually agreed deadline
T – I can always rely on me
F – if you believed this thought, how would you feel? FREE? EMPOWERED?
A – what action would be driven by this feeling? I make choices from a clean place re colleagues and other relationships. I trust myself to show up for myself so don’t go to others from a needy place (I’m not sure about this, as above – the way I understand the materials here is that we ‘shouldn’t’ rely on others/ have manuals etc. so not sure what going to others (e.g. in this case colleague for support with a project would look like)
R – what would be your result? I guess the desired result would be “I am reliable and get things done without drama” “I can rely on myself to do what’s best for me without creating unnecessary drama/ conflict”

Realised that actually on a deeper level I am invested in others being able to support me (although I don’t choose supportive people!), so am really resisting thinking “I can always rely on me” as an empowering liberating thought and instead it brings up resentment like : “Why should I rely on me after all I’ve done for — they should be there for me” Wow! Would love your thoughts on the next steps here – this feels so deep and ingrained I am struggling to imagine life without this attitude….