Okay, some quick context. When I was 13, I was sexually assaulted. At the time, I reported it to the police, but decided not to press charges. I felt really scared about the process and I just wanted to be a normal child. I get why past me made that decision. However, my mum at the time couldn’t accept my decision, I moved out at 18 but between that time my mum and I had a very abusive relationship, she felt that I had made the whole thing up. Cue lots of arguments, fights, trying to prove to my mum it happened, my mum attempted suicide, and my family blamed me for her distress.
When I left home I thought all of this was behind me, I’m about to start therapy to process this as I’ve never really admitted this to myself that it affected me- I’m now 27 however what I’m finding is that I still have lots of thoughts about this that are leading to people pleasing, for the kind of growth I want it’s reaching a breaking point where I won’t be able to people please my way to where I want to go, my thoughts are:
If I say what I want I’ll be rejected, it’s not safe for me to tell the truth, no one is listening to me, I’m hurt and no one cares, it’s hopeless, if you agree to what they say you’ll be safe, if you disagree they will harm you, agreeing has protected me from abuse in the past, I’m wrong for wanting that, if I get what I want other people will be harmed, I’m selfish to want this, it’s not a big deal just accept what they give you
How can I begin to process this / change this story?
I can feel this pain/ story when I’m negotiating with clients, I won’t advocate for myself, and I think it’s linked to this fear about being attacked