I’ve been doing some digging around my relationship with my boyfriend, and what I’m making it mean that he hasn’t proposed yet even though “we’ve been living together for so long.”
I’m finding it hard to open myself up around him because I feel like I need to have my guard up to protect myself, almost as if I have to protect myself from feeling vulnerable around him.
This is what I’ve summarized from a giant thought download around it. I’m wondering if you can help me see through it a bit and guide me on where to take it next.
C: live in the same house for 13 months
T: He doesn’t actually want me here.
F: unwanted
A: let “his thoughts” about what I’m doing around the house consume me (in other words, constantly “running it past him” aka what I think he would think about it) in regards to me moving, organizing, cleaning, or brainstorming possibilities for this house (I hope this makes sense, avoid having conversations about the fact that we live together, marriage, my big fun dreams for organizing or renovating this house together, hesitate and/or avoid telling people we live together, don’t allow myself to feel vulnerable around him, don’t open up myself “too much,” hyper organize and buffer with organizing (because if he “admits he doesn’t want me + kicks me out” I can be out in a jif), make it a point to bring to his attention the “good” things I do so he can validate me or like force him to pay attention to the evidence that “I’m awesome, wanna marry me yet?” as if he would then think “oh man she’s awesome I wanna marry her because she organized my work pants drawer.”
R: I exhaust myself trying to people please the shit out of him.
R: I always have one foot out the door.
R: I don’t allow myself get too close to him.
R: I withhold showing him my true self, as if that somehow protects me in this scenario
R: I’m not really showing up as myself
R: I’m constantly in defense mode with my list I’ve gathered of “good things I’ve done” ready to pull out in case he hints to him “not wanting to be here”
As I spell it all out in the model (may be multiple models here), my model about this model is along the lines of “yeah, I know it’s not logical, but it FEELS super true” because I have lots of evidence that he doesn’t want me here.
Is my T of “He doesn’t really want me here” a belief? Or just a thought maybe caused by a different belief?
Do my R’s make sense in this model?
Overall, how could he possibly want me when I’m not really showing up as myself? I don’t even want me when I show up as obsessive and needy.
Which, again, fuels the “make sure he notices that cool thing I did over there so that he will want me more!”
Can you help me see through this? Thanks!!!
