Performing my life


I observe that I’ve been doing something which is a bit weird, since I was a teenager. When I’m “in love” with a guy, I imagine that he is looking at me when I am in the street.
Right now, I’m thinking about a man I’ve met twice. I like him, but I really don’t want to be with him. I’m married and I’m not looking for another relationship. But when I’m out in the street I have the fantasy he is looking at me, and I try to look good. So I judge what I’m wearing or doing according to what I imagine he would think about it. I feel it’s not something I have a lot of consciousness about, but I guess it is something I choose to do, to feel proud about what I’m wearing, doing, saying… It’s like I’m an actress performing in a theater play and he is my imaginary spectator.

I’m trying to put it in a model:

C This morning, biking with my family
T He might see me and think I look great on my bike
F self conscious
A I’m craning my neck, I imagine how I look like and how my family look like, I’m biking as if I’m an actress in a movie
R I’m seeking pride from an external validation (?)

I don’t like to do that, because it’s weird and it doesn’t feel really good. I feel obsessed by this guy, but I’m not interested by him, just by feeling good and proud about myself.
Thanks a lot for your help!