I am a physician and I treat people’s pain for a living. I am having a major flare up of my own physical pain due to an autoimmune condition plus a physically demanding new job (that I sustained an injury at 2 weeks ago). I have taken steps with my office manager to try and do less of the physically demanding things. There’s only so much I can do with the cards I’ve been dealt with respect to my health and my physical ailments. There are some actions I can take to lessen the frequency and severity of pain, but when I’m in a flare, it’s difficult to fight through the pain to do the things that will help. I liken it to needing proof that I can count on myself, before believing that I can count on myself (and all the other beliefs/thoughts I’ve been working on). I feel like my pain needs to lessen before I can take the actions needed to help lessen my pain, thus around the circle I go. So, currently…
C: Physical pain
T: I’m a victim to this pain
A: Lots of tears, buffering. Doing all the things that worsen my pain, like eating take-out and not doing rehab exercises. I’m not spending the time I want training and exercising my dogs, not making healthy meals, not doing yoga, not going for walks/hikes.
R: I prove to myself that I am a victim to the pain and my pain is actually worse than it could be.
What I want…
C: Physical pain
A: I make healthy meals, go for walks/hikes, do rehab exercises, show up as my best self for my dogs, practice yoga. Not buffering.
R: Most likely, less pain. I do the things that I value.
It’s really hard to do the things in the A line when I don’t want to, whether that’s due to physical or cognitive factors. I’ve been thinking about what feeling would get me to the actions that I want. I think it needs to come from a feeling of self-love and self-care, which I have always found difficult. My job is caring for other people and that has always come easy, but I’ve always found doing the same things for myself to be difficult. I have been living in a world of self-sacrifice for a very long time, but I’m nearing the point of not being able to help others because my body is failing. It’s like, I know I need to put my airplane oxygen mask on before assisting others, but why is that so difficult?