Picking myself apart


I constantly pick myself apart about the way I look. I am actually beautiful. I’m pretty by traditional beauty standards. But I criticize every photo of myself, I pick apart my body, I obsess about my imperfections, and say awful things to myself about myself. Lately I’ve been saying them out loud to my boyfriend and he is at the point where he’s just like, STOP.

I know I still have a lot of unconscious stuff going on around this. I know my action is obsessing and criticizing my body.

A: I criticize my body, obsess about my face, obsess about weight, get Botox, weigh myself all the time, skip meals and obsess about food, complain about how I look to my boyfriend, pick at areas of my body that have fat, filter photos to make myself look skinnier. Even if I already look thin in the pic I just need to “tweak” it to make myself look impossible.

Yes I’m judging myself for doing this.

I shouldn’t be thinking this way, I should be done with this, I can’t stop doing this, there’s something wrong with me, how can I teach body acceptance when I don’t have it for myself?

So there’s that.

The feeling that causes the obsessions is an “out of control” feeling. I feel out of control and I feel disgust for my body and self. I feel panic and fear about being out of control, and sometimes there is a physical feeling of discomfort in my body.

The thought? Hmmmm. This is a bit harder. You’re going to get fat.
You are fat.
Ew.
Omg that’s awful (a pic)
You’re ugly.
I look fat in that pic.
My face is weird.
I’m aging and I better hold on to what youth I have left.

Those thoughts cause panic and out of control.
Then I feel out of control
Then I obsess to try to gain control (basically it’s buffering).
What is the result from buffering? Is it that I perpetuate the beliefs about myself?

I think I need some help with the result and then how to back myself out of this.