Please check my models on my sadness about destroying embryos JK


My thought DL this am is about frozen embryos. My husband and I went through many rounds of IVF and have a perfect 2.5 year old son, and two embryos left in the freezer. Husband has been clear since first pregnancy that he does not want more children. I have not been so sure, but I though a lot about it, did some models, and feel confident in my own decision to destroy the embryos. But this morning I am feeling sadness because husband and I are going to get our embryo destruction forms notarized this morning. Although I completely stand by my decision about letting them go and choosing this life with an only child, and truly believe it is the best choice for me and for all of us, I still feel a sneaky deep longing for the “what could be” — a larger happy family that is just as happy as the three of us are. Like, if this is happy then we could be even *more* happy! I’m advance-regretting the loss of what could be. Which of course makes no sense because I am happy with what we have and I have thought a lot about it and truly deep down believe this is the best decision. So I guess it’s ok for me to feel some sadness about losing those embryos, and it doesn’t serve me to imagine them as my babies or children. They’re just an idea right now.

Original model:
C embryo destruction
T I am killing my two potential babies and might be missing out on an even fuller life and more happiness
F regret
A second guess my decision, indulge in confusion/indecision
R sign the destruction forms but regret the decision and blame husband for forcing it, possibly turn to buffering, waste time and emotional energy on the indecision indulgence —> I miss out on an even fuller and happier life

Intention models:
C embryo destruction
T these embryos are only the idea of a potential larger family. They might be poor quality, have special needs even if one or two do take — they are not guaranteed to be a normal child. I had a really hard time during pregnancy and was sick until the day I delivered, had an even harder time during son’s first year and especially his first 8 weeks, and we are older parents (I am 45 and husband is 51) and developed pregnancy-induced hypertension causing me to have to be induced and risk preeclampsia so it is actually medically dangerous for me to have another pregnancy. Ive hought about this decision and I came up with my own decision to let them go independent of husband’s wants, because I am truly happy with what we have now and frankly think I can focus more energy on myself and our family and building an even fuller and happier life if we let them go. I am completely satisfied with my decision.
F peace
A sign the forms and let them go without indulging in regret
R peace. Happy family of three. No regrets in my decision and thus no buffering needed —> fuller/happier life

C embryo destruction
T I know that there is a potential future with more children that I am giving up and it’s ok for me to feel some sadness about that “loss.” I can feel sad and not make it mean that this is the wrong decision.
F sad but at peace
A feel the feels, acknowledge the loss, sign the forms and feel confident it was the right decision.
R no regrets or indulgence in indecision, continue to become someone who can feel negative emotions fully without buffering and evolve as a human who can feel my feelings; peace