This will be all over the place because my mind is just bombarded with a million of thoughts. This will be more of a thought download, but nothing that I can think of could make me feel better.
I will try to make this short. I have been trying to rediscover who I am for the last couple of years.. I have gone through some challenges, and I chose to discover myself and do a lot of work to figure out the root cause of my issues.
In my desire to know myself I chose to experience all feelings, and all my fears and I ended up getting myself into a bigger mess.
First, I lost the weight thinking I would feel better or more beautiful after. Of course, that didn’t happen. Then, I thought that if this guy will want me/ sleep with me now that I look great, I would feel better – of course that didn’t happen. I feel terrible, but not only because of having slept with him (now I have thoughts that he thinks I am a slut, how inappropriate I have behaved etc. etc.), but now I discovered why he was always so mysterious and distant. It turns out he is a sex addict, and now I feel the only reason he slept with me is because he couldn’t help himself – which most likely is true- but it also proves my thought which is I think I am not enough, not pretty enough, not lovable etc.
This leads to my next issue which is I can’t help myself caring for others. Now that I discovered he has this problem, and he seems to be dealing with suicidal thoughts, I want to help him, but I am like should I take care of my problem first or should I help him or do both? I actually think he needs more help than I do.
C I slept with this guy whom I thought I was in love with.
T OMG – how stupid can I be. It was so clear that he wasn’t into me. He was flirting with other girls, never really made me a priority, he just used me to boost his ego.
F victim, used
A not interact with him anymore or just interact using meaningless conversation
R Spinning thoughts, feeling used, end the relationship with him
C I slept with this guy.
T I wanted this. I shouldn’t blame myself and be so hard on myself. I should just accept that I really wanted it, and deal with the result – which is dealing with negative emotions. I can feel and experience all these feelings of shame, and emotional pain.
F Pain, heartbroken
A Accomplishing everything I need to do for work, not falling into the victim mentality of being used and trying to help him
R Offering to help and if he wants it, I will give it to him.
Thank you so much. Xo