Hi Brooke,

I am wiling to give over the top contribution as I have always been, and always have put my effort towards-
Now, what’s new is that I am willing and able to keep working on thoughts to help me create and continue creating the results I want.

Using CTFAR, purposefulness, appreciation, gratitude, book of positive aspects, and other helpful paradigms as taught here and in a few other places,
I have sorted out how to be in
-friendships
-relationships
-love relationship
-my home
-overeating/over-desire/buffering

I believe I can do it, I have my “mental position” on it

However I am stuck on how to contribute 100% to work as a scientist and it is frustrating me

Work&Contribution is still a huge question mark for me

My current situation is that for 15 years I ran many aspects of a company in partnership, was VP R&D and VP business and technology. I have always been very driven with good moments followed by pretty difficult hiding moments, and lots of buffering (100 pounds overweight for ten years, now I am 50 pounds overweight) due to lack of control of my thoughts.
We sold the company. 2 yrs ago now. we’ve been working for this new company

The fellow who was president (ex-partner, and a friend) is a very aggressive, achievement oriented person, and has been recognized as such by the new company. He is the recognized star. Very alpha. We can call him X

I have been struggling to find my new area of contribution
I now report to X, and my current duties are putting together patents for us, and some hand holding with product development. Helping in small bits here and there. I feel this is an accurate assessment. All ideas for our team are coming from X

One of the reasons I don’t know what to invent is that I am not at any medium or high level meeting that shares concerns of the company- X is- all ideas, needs are filtered down by X- he does not see his role as one to collaborate, he is an alpha leader. X says he cannot invite me to meetings, that is not his role. I believe it is accurate to say that X keeps everything to himself

I don’t know how to find myself here
I am willing to find myself here before I find new work.
I want to find myself here before I find new work

Most likely, I am lacking belief in myself that I can do great things.
I am lacking belief in myself that I can invent and do things of value other than helping.

So I believe it is a reality that X seeks to be leader of all, its his baby, and I am helping.

T-I am not really needed here, I am redundant

I feel I need to find a way to believe in myself first and not require permission from anyone to become my own version of a star. Don’t know how

What I like about my position- I am given time and space to invent, and as well I am willing to help out

What I don’t like about it- I don’t know what to invent, what to do with this time and space, I feel blocked

I feel if I can find my way with this, so much will click into place.

C-current work
T-i don’t know how to contribute
T- I am under the shadow of this big personality, person with this big drive, he takes everything for himself, he has taken over all the areas of my pervious expertise, even the patent ideas are not mine
…
Feelings are all discouragement
Actions are all stuck

I have been practicing a lot with
T- I am willing to contribute 100%
T_I contribute 100%
T-I am waiting for/seeking inspiration while I do my roles

and I have
T-I allow myself to be under X’s shadow…

But he is such a big personality, if I (or anyone) attempt to exert myself within his domain, he gets nasty (literally puts people down in public).

T-I am a helper right now and I wish to bring more value of my own creation

I feel if I sort this out, my “current problems” will resolve.
I recognize that I have the opportunity to say everything is happening perfectly.
I have been taking the attitude that
T-perhaps I am not meant to contribute here, because this is how it has all played out,
T-perhaps I am meant to leave now and contribute elsewhere,

I don’t think this attitude serves me, it shuts me down

T- I am willing to amp up, give 100% of myself, be open to all areas this may emerge in my current setting
T-I would much prefer leaving here feeling good about my contribution
T-I would much prefer to bring great new things through invention, leadership and working in the lab

Am I blaming X because I am not willing/able to soar within me
Am I am psyched out by my projection of myself onto others
How can I build within me a strong belief in myself
Would I have a desire for greatness if I was not meant to achieve it
Am I meant to feel good helping? I hope not, because I will be stuck in administrative and handholding work (helping others do there job)

I am sure I asked you something like this several months ago, hopefully I am in a new space now

Thanks and I appreciate your help here, enormously, I suspect you can see some things I do not yet see

aargh

Lisa