A few hours after my baby was born, I’ve had an extreme fear of SIDs (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome)
I’m generally an anxious person, but this sudden fear really surprised me because I didn’t have any fears about pregnancy loss or SIDs prior to my baby being born.
It has gotten better now that my baby is 6 months, but it is very disturbing and at times all-consuming.
I was on a coaching call recently, and the coach said my fear of SIDs was just a thought I was choosing to think. I always felt my PPA was a Circumstance because it has felt anything but a decision, like a rush of thoughts out of nowhere. When I think that my PPA is just thoughts, I feel a lot of shame because I would never want to think about my baby dying – which is the fear and the pain I feel.
Since this coaching call, I have felt more and more shame. I felt like I was making progress having my PPA as a circumstance because I have a lot of compassion for myself having it be the circumstance and I can see how I’m not creating it. I have more patience with myself, more acceptance. Having PPA as my thoughts does the opposite – judgment, shame, self-blame.
Now I feel confused. Should I abandon the model with my PPA as my thoughts?