I’ve been doing thought downloads and running unintentional models where different thoughts keep creating the feeling of powerlessness.

I’ve done some more thought work, and I’ve realized I have some core beliefs where I’m a victim.

It was startling. I’ve seen loved ones live as victims, and I thought I had intentionally oriented my life away from that mindset. The truth is, I’m not a victim in all areas, but I believe I’m a victim in the areas of work, education, and performance. Which, ironically, are exactly the areas I’ve been trying to find my worth in.

Here are some core beliefs I’ve discovered:
-I’m a victim of bad parenting
-I’m a victim of bad leadership
-I’m a victim of people leaving me on my own instead of teaching me what I need to perform well
-I’m a victim of myself
-I’m a victim of my primal brain
-I’m a victim of my subconscious
-I’m a victim of my emotions
-I’m a victim of engrained habits

Summary: all my problems with poor discipline and procrastination are because of other people’s poor choices, which have resulted in my inability to have agency over my own mind.

It’s very strange to realize I think I’m a victim of myself. That doesn’t even seem logically possible, but there it is.

“If only I had been taught/helped/or lead better, I would know how to do this/be excellent/not procrastinate.”

The feelings I want to generate for the results I want are: powerful, determined, disciplined, focused, assertive, confident.

But I’ve realized I’ve confused those feelings with the sensation of resistance. I think discipline feels like the ability to resist urges indefinitely.

More beliefs:

-I’m supposed to control my emotions with my rational mind
-I can’t control my emotions with my rational mind
-People who can’t control their emotions with their rational mind are bad
-Therefore, I’m bad

-If I want to be successful, I have to go find something I’m so interested in or passionate about that I’ll never procrastinate again. (I know this can’t be true, but I still believe it.)

I’ve confused the feeling of discipline with the sensation of resistance and gritting my teeth to get a task done. The sensation of simply doing a task or following my calendar (I just do it because it’s next on the list: a workout, clean the counters after washing the dishes, etc.) doesn’t even seem in the realm of possibility for work tasks. I’m creating a ton of drama over how hard and uncomfortable something is, and then telling myself I need to have the mental toughness to mind over matter my way to accomplishing it. And then I beat myself up and feel shame when I can’t.

So I have a three part problem:

1. I want to do some belief work around this idea that I’m a victim
2. I want to change the beliefs around “capacity for emotional control = goodness.”
3. I want to identify what the feelings of agency, power, and the ability to follow my work protocol actually feel like.

Looking for some insight around all this.