Pregnancy Do’s or Don’ts

I am just a few months shy of my 43 birthday. My husband is 50. We have a beautiful 7 yr old daughter. We’ve always talked about having another baby. He wants one. I do too, I think. We’ve been trying, unsuccessfully and inconsistently, for the last 3 yrs to have another one. I’ve had a couple of very early miscarriages. But I’m afraid at my age to have another one.

Afraid of so many things. I’m afraid of my age, and his, that there’s a higher risk involved. I’m pretty healthy, but I’m also almost 43. I’m afraid of my children not reaching maturity until we’re retirement age, and then dying when they’re still fairly young. I lost my mom when I was 40 and it’s a hard thing to do. I’m afraid of going through pregnancy again, and labor and delivery. I had an easy pregnancy, and a natural childbirth with no complications, but it took a long time afterwards for me to feel like “me” physically again. I’m afraid of going back to sleepless nights, of never having a moment to myself, of not being able to do the things that I want to do. My daughter never learned how to nurse, so I pumped my milk for her until she was 8-9 months old, and I’m afraid of the hours and hours I spent every day pumping. I’m afraid we waited too long, because we were trying to be financially responsible and knew we couldn’t afford to have another child and not lose our house. There are so many fears. These are the big ones.

I tried writing out my fears and putting some of them in a model.
C: baby
T: I don’t want to give up everything again. I like my life the way it is right now.
F: fear
A: self-sabotage – don’t stop drinking, find excuses for not having sex, I don’t try, I don’t talk to my husband about it
R: no baby

C: baby
T: We waited too long. We should have just had another baby and then figured out the finances, even if it meant losing our house.
F: regret
A: mentally chastise myself, blame myself
R: don’t give myself the emotional space to have another child

I guess where I’m getting stuck is in figuring out how to move forward, how to create space in my mind and heart for another child or not, if it doesn’t happen. To be able to be okay with both. Although, as I type that last part about being okay with not having one it creates feelings of sadness, loss, and regret. I’m struggling with creating a model that will allow me to make space and peace with whatever will be.

C: baby
F: peace/self-love
R: loving what is