I have noticed that I attempt to avoid pain in life, i.e. events that potentially cause physical pain, and in relationships. My thoughts and feeling overlap here. The coach suggested that I could look at my range of thoughts as what is provided by my primitive brain, then choose what I want to believe.

Response to coaching questions:

What if you could train your brain to naturally move towards having the full human experience, knowing that physical and emotional pain will come up?

I think I did this naturally when I was younger, but I think there was a flip side in which I was pretty inconsiderate of other people’s feelings and made some choices that were not totally safe. I moved away from being as open to the full range of experience when I had a year that included a car accident followed by a breakup with my best friend, followed by a break up is a one year relationship that involved the other person cheating.

I think I made a story that it is not safe to be open to the full range of options provided by life. I think I started to believe I could be punished for wrong choices or that I could control the future with my actions, by being cautious and considerate with others. But I also became more hesitant to form friendships and became more avoidant in emotional relationships. I know this story is made of optional thoughts.

C: relationships ended
T: I am not safe
F: fear
A: withdraw socially, judge myself and the other people for thoughts, words, and actions, avoid risk taking, try to control the future with my actions, think about things that could go badly in the future, don’t open myself to real intimacy, don’t value myself and my preferences, act needy and afraid of others.
R: I create the experience of not being safe

C: relationships ended
T: relationships can end without it meaning anything about me or the other person
F: Relief
A: stop generating drama, take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings, calm my mind and body, breathe, forgive myself and others for perceived mistakes or ‘hurtful’ actions, free myself up to exist in the present, let go of past resentments, stop making it all about me.
R: I open to an easier start and end of relationships

What thoughts would you want to cultivate and be open to believing?

I am valuable regardless of my relationship status, I can be open to adventure and fun. I can learn to relinquish my desire for control. I have a human brain, and I can choose the thoughts that work for me. Change is a normal part of life. I can learn to enjoy change. I am learning to give love to myself first. Relationships are about loving others, not about achieving a certain outcome. I can love others exactly as they are. I can chose to end (or stay in) a relationship just because I want to.

Thanks for the coaching.