So…here it is.
I know I can be more present.
Something will grab my attention and off I go.
It is as if I don’t want to feel what is there.
If I sit with it long enough, it is both my fear and my brilliance.
Perhaps… my fear of my brilliance.
Because it was shut down so often in the past.
And yet, when I with someone who present to me, it is amazing – all that falls away.
(yes I get that is my thought…sort of)
And I see the brilliance when I am truly present with my kids.
The problem if I indulge in it is everything starts to go too fast… and then I distract.

So…lots of thoughts.

C- Presence
T1 – I am afraid of my brilliance,
T2 – I am brilliant.
T3 – Holy shit, that is too scary
F1 – disappointment
F2 – excitement
F3 – low grade anxiety
A1 – buffer
A2 – do more
A3 – buffer
R1&3 – not present
R2 – still present, “turned on”, connected.

C – With a certain other person who is very present themselves, I can settle in and be present
T1- I can only really be present when the other person is.
T2 – I need to be seen to be present
F1 – not fulfillled
F2 – a weird small feeling of helplessness
A1 – buffer
A2 – do models
R – not connected or present

C – Indulge in Presence (that isn’t quite neutral enough because not everyone in a court of law would agree that I am indulging….)
T – This is too much
F- Panic
A – Buffer/Distract
R – Not present.

Here is another one I realized.

C- I put high value on presence (it is paramount in the healing work I do)
T1 – isn’t it funny I am not being very good with presence
T2 – actually you are good at presence you are just raising your game
F1 — Curiosity
F2 – Curiosity
A – buffer or freeze
R – not present, run off and do models (ha!)

Needling through this. It is fun.