Processing a breakup

I am having a hard time processing my breakup. 1.5 years in, I want commitment and he is not there yet.

I ended it and asked for no communication so that I can process and heal.

I am in day 2 and feeling strong loss and grief. I want the feelings to go away so that I can feel happy and good and moved on. 

I’m judging myself for feeling all this sadness and wish that I could just be ok. 

Why do I have to feel so deeply? Im not even focusing on my work or anything. I feel paralyzed a bit.

I feel a strong loss with him not in my life and I wish I could just be his friend, not care who he is with. Where I date new people and just know what I want so strongly that I don’t feel so sad losing something that wasn’t right for me at the time.

I am also having to let go of this image of what I thought we were and what I hoped for us to be.

I am trying to do models but i’m stuck.  My thoughts feel so real.

I have not yet had to use all this I have learned in such a heavy time so I’m having hard time.