I am married to a transmasculine person. I have recently become aware of an unintentional model related to their use of public bathrooms.
C: Spouse states they were unable to use the public bathroom and they have to pee.
T: They are so uncomfortable. I have to fix this.
A: vigilantly looking and brainstorming alternative options, looking for other bathrooms or other places they could go, think about ways to find or use other public restrooms. Point out all other public bathroom options we see, ofter to go to other places. Ruminate on the feeling of discomfort of having to use the bathroom and not be able to go. Ofter to go home. If in car drive faster to get home faster.
R: I am not able to experience or be present at the thing we are doing in a public place.
Since becoming aware of this model I realized how pervasive it is in my life and larger actions I have been taking to mitigate these feelings of distress; I have been limiting the things I do with my spouse in public, I resist going out and traveling with them, I find excuses why they can’t travel with me if I am going somewhere. All of these actions have lead toward a larger result of ultimately not having the relationship I want to have with them and not being the person I want to be with them.
I also realize that my model is trying to manage their model. How do I get out of other peoples models? I know I need to change my thoughts. Do I create an intentional model, and when I notice my other model is popping up just try to think these other thoughts? If creating an intentional model should I start the result? I don’t really WANT to feel good about this situation but I also don’t want to be trying to control their model. Or is there another strategy? Is just feeling the feeling appropriate? Like I am feeling distressed, just feel it and try not to act on it.