purpose and impossible goal

I have a desire for purpose and direction in my life that’s been there a long time and I’ve done a lot of work on it without quieting the desire or turning it from a problem to something fun. I have been considering an impossible goal related to finding/deciding on one. It feels impossible for contradictory reasons, both that it’s not real or necessary or that it only happens for other people. It also doesn’t seem like something that should take a year, and then it’s taken longer than a year already.

I did a thought download on it today and lots of stuff came up to work on. I could use some help in the IM as the thoughts that I can think of don’t create the feelings I want.

C – considering “find my calling” as impossible goal
T – you should just bloom where you’re planted, purpose and callings are a made up thing, you can do anything purposefully. You have a great job and life.
F – resigned (not sure the right word for this but that feeling when you learn the truth about Santa)
A – work hard at my job and life, keep pushing the longing away, criticize myself for the longing
R – blooming where I’m planted

C same
T (I tried on the thought “Purpose and callings are something you decide, so pick one” – but it doesn’t generate the feelings I want below and takes me right back to the above model thoughts)
F – inspired or driven or excited
A – decide a purpose, make big goals that feel fulfilling to it
R – Create a life with big impact for something I care about