When I started scholars, my goal was to make some space (mental, physical, and emotional) in my life to be able to start new creative projects. Last night, after I ate dinner (according to my protocol) and did not drink wine (according to my protocol), and cleaned up my kitchen, I had my first glimpse of what I think I meant by space – nothing to do, nothing hanging over my head, no mess, no chaos, no last minute work, no emails to answer, no real worries, everything under control and moving along just as I want. (All of which is amazing progress for me BTW, and completely the result of all the tools SCSs has provided). But . . . there’s always a but . . . I absolutely HATED it. I forced myself to sit in my living room all alone in the quiet and say what do I want to do. What creative project do I want to start? And nothing came. I know I made this mean that I have a huge void, an emptiness at the center of my life.
And now I’m thinking this is what all the buffering is about, avoiding facing this emptiness. Instead, I fill the emptiness with busy work, over-working, overwhelm, and too much food and alcohol. Last night it was pretty depressing but today I think this is a significant breakthrough for me. I think I need to do the work on what I make this space in my life mean – like peace, or opportunity. Am I on the right track here? But I’m also wondering what to do with myself in the space that I’ve made and why I don’t want to start any creative projects. Fear? Now I have the space and the time and the energy and I’m afraid to jump in and try? Thanks much for any advice you could provide on where to take this next.