I have been processing some trauma with my therapist. I have worked with him for over three years, and it’s only now that I felt comfortable and safe enough to talk about the most upsetting part.
Today was our third session processing the trauma, and halfway through, I got the impression that what I was saying wasn’t interesting to him and he had checked out mentally.
At the end of the session, looking for some reassurance, I said, ‘Do you think it’s still a good idea to work through this’ and he said, ‘I don’t know, let me think about it.’
Which wasn’t the reassurance I was looking for.
The thing is, now that I am in the middle of remembering all the events and starting to de-trauma it all, I don’t want to stop. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. I need to carry on.
But the thought of starting with a new therapist feels too much.
I like this therapist, and he’s usually very good.
But him appearing distant during a session about something so upsetting was almost as painful as the thing itself.
Which sounds crazy, but that’s how it felt.
On the way home, I couldn’t stop crying and felt some tightness in my chest like a very mild panic attack.
C. Had a therapy appointment
T. Therapist isn’t interested in what I am saying
A. Cried, concerned about working with another therapist,
R. Feel more upset than when I started this trauma work